What is it about Port Adelaide?

Kane Cornes & Lucy Gross --Ben Rutten and Emily Cullen

Wonder what modelling agency was responsible for those dates?


Altona garden party

Yum Yum.

Better than sailing at midnight, diving for pearls, soccer mums and murder backpacks is the spectre of seniors getting down for a good ol' bitch slap.

King-hit at bowling club out west.

Fred calls The Rumor File and says it was just a push.

Says the ambos gave the combatants a glass of water.

But we know better.

The original caller, a guy called Crackerjack, said the victim was hit on the green and hospitalised a week ago.

FRom this

to this...


Sodom and Gomorrah while u drive

My sister is a huge organisation/home hints nut.

She has a treasure trove of books on how to use a 50:50 solution of vinegar and bicarb to settle the Middle East conflict, and weave oaked toenail clippings into doormats.

The books are mostly by American Bible Belt women with huge families run with the precision of a Panzer operation.

They don't get down and dirty over in the US with their home hints - unlike Hillsong co-founder Bobbie Huston (thanks Darp for alerting me to the following), whose domestic advice doesn't seem to make it out of her Sydney bedroom.

Huston's three-cassette boxed set Kingdom Women Love Sex, has since been retitled to something like Kingdom women value their sexuality and self-esteem and spirituality yadda yadda, presumably cause of the "Bobbie does Baulkham Hills" connotations, and the flak they must've got about quotes like this:

"We need to be good at sex ourselves so that if the world happens to come knocking we can tell the story of God in our lives. Without being lurid or untruthful we can say 'I have a great marriage and a great sex life'

See, God's plan for you is to have a properly inserted diaghphram.

But I digress.

Emilie Barnes, author of Creative Home Organizer, has a chapter on organising your automobile. In the glove compartment, please include

notepad and pen
Tire-pressure gauge
Cleanup wipes
Extra pair of nylon hosiery for that unexpected run
Plastic fork and spoon for those yummy stops
Reading material, Bible - you can enjoy prayer and Bible reading during waiting times in the car
Can opener
Change for phone calls
Busines Cars
Stationery - again, waiting can be used constructively to catch up on correspondence
Scissors, nail clippers
Children's books and/or games

I don't know how big her glove compartment is but I'd sure as hell need a Mack truck for all that (and the trucker, too, especially if I'm gonna carry all three tapes of Kingdom women love sex).

My favorite is where Mrs Barnes uses the spin-dry function on her washing machine to rinse her lettuce.

What is it about domestic godesses and lettuce? It really brings out the anal in them (more about that later)

I kid you not - i remember a few years ago kicking back with Amco watching British food diva Delia Smith earnestly deliver instructions to prepare lettuce by wiping each individual leaf with a tea towel.

And there's this one:
For those nasty stains in your toilet bowl, use a pumice stone ... Be sure to clean under the inside rim of the toilety bowl, too.

But me here at Mallrat Enterprises thinks prevention is better than cure.

Avoid porcelain poo build-up thus: do not make your cistern hobble around in high heels.

You might do some damage to your pussy and earn yourself a visit from Bobbi Huston.


Pissed as...

Reader poll:

Would your mum phone Connex for you?

Vote now


R U loan-sms 2nite? :-)

Mallrat: Meet me down by the Mordialloc jetty landing
Shane: yeah, will you be naked?
Mallrat: ...bump and sway
Shane: Oh yeah!
Mallrat: The others read and stand there
Shane: Cool!
Mallrat: As the Manly fairy...
Shane: Hang on a minute....

Ban Big Brother!!!!

From this week's Whitehorse Weekly:
Principal writes to Network Ten

...St Andrews Christian College Principal Bob Speck said the popular show was "immoral" and didn't pomote the decent values that should be encouraged in young people.

The Big Brother production is diametrically opposed to the values the Federal Government has said should be taught in schools - values like integrity, respect and responsibility.

... and detention without trial, using dodgy GPs to clear deportations of Australian citizens with paertially severed spinal cords before they have a chance to recover in hospital, refusing psychiatric care to people going mad behind barbed wire, ruining children's formative years by locking them up, deporting heavily pregnant Chinese women to face certain forced abortion, fucking around diplomats who claim political asylum, refusing to spend more than a measly $9 million on chemical additives to stop Aboriginal kids in remote communities sniffing petrol (while the Govt spends $1b a year subsidising private health insurers)

Not so sure the Big Brother values stack up so badly next to all that.

Ah, even though I agree BB is crass shit, it's so tempting to see this Speck dude as an eastern-burbs Flanders. I bet they're having a good laugh in the shelter shed and the staff room at his call for values.

Safe target, isn't it? But in the end, which moral decay is the more damaging to our society?

Trust me, I think BB is worrying and that you don't need to be a one-eyed Christian fundamentalist to believe that that behaviour is harmful.

But I went to a Catholic school and know all about the extreme focus on sexual pecadilloes, alongside silence on economic and social injustice that the mainstream of the Catholic church - and especially its education institutions - maintains.

If you think that's a long shot, that split was actually pivotal to the Latin American revolutions in the 1980s in places like Guatemala and El Salvador. Jesuit priests finally got on the side of their faithful and started asking questions about power and poverty.

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Oh wait, there's more: See "opinion", page 6:

Shoppers in Mitcham and Ringwood were asked whether they thought scenes from BB Uncut should be downloadable on the net:

Amid all the people saying nah, it's just too revolting and not for kiddies, there's one brave dissenter:

Richard Eynand of Ferntree Gully:
"It doesn't matter. Kids know what sex is all about. It's just a part of life."

Mr Eynand, sir, Operation Auxin needs you!

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On another note, check out The Cheek a spoof of Andrew Landeryou'd blog. It's a brilliant pisstake of Andy Landy's self obsessed delusional whining.


Dead rat int he driveway.. yum yum

A little while ago now, from the Moreland Community News...


A PASCOE VALE PENSIONER who found a dead ratr on his front lawn last week says he is disgusted at the lack of help from local authorities.
Melville Road resident Brian Maher fears he is being targeted after speakin gout on "several contentious issues that some people that some people are not too happy about".
He called police in after discovering damage to his driveway the same morning he discovered the rat.
He suspects the two incidents may be linked.
"If f anybody thinks they can shut me up they better think again."
"The Moreland Council does a lot of work for pensioners in this area.
"The least they could do is send someone over."

Well Brian, my son, sometimes a dead rat is just a dead rat

Maybe you're just a paranoid old git with nothing better to do


muzak meme

Got memed last about five years ago week by Laura and GuruAnn.

Nothing if not punctual.

Total volume of music on your computer:
No friggin idea.

The last album you purchased was:
Er, James reyne, And the horse you rode in on ... cause I love the acoustic version of Hammerhead , which I heard on the radio. the version of errol is also pretty good but as for the rest... kinda boring. I sent a copy to amanda.

Song playing right now:
Any vintage Leonard Cohen thing that made me nostalgic for a share household I lived in in Madrid a couple of years ago with Jenny, from Chicago, and Nicola, from Leeds.

Jenny was a mad animal lover who at one stage had 13 cats in our fifth-floor apartment. Whenever she went on holiday, cleaning the litter tray made us miss her all the more. She ran a bookshop too, but sucked at html.

Nicola and I drew the line at two cats. but then jenny brought home Mali - a little black kitten (mali means boy in serbian, her then boyfriend was an injury-prone serb soccer player). he was pretty traumatised by his previous home- this mad vet who had about 30 cats at her country property. it took him ages to settle in. he warmed irst to jenny, then to site, our mad mongrel cat - they used to play and fight and box together, it was very funny to watch as they just ripped through the house.

i totally fell in love. In the end, he shwoed me he was mine by spraying on my bed allt he time,a nd leaving little packages whenever he was traumatised (which was so often). he'd start at the slightest noise, and if you looked at him too long, he'd totally freak.

Anyway, Leonard brought it all back. one of the gals had bought a knock-off cd for sale on a blanket. we used to play him all the time. someone gave me a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle of the sydney opera house, after i said i was homesick. night after night until i gave up, i would sit at the kitchen table.

we had a plumber come over to fix the taps. we thought he was a bit of orright until he saw the puzzle (pronouneced "pooth-lay")and went nuts - "oh i love puzzles! if i had my way I'd cover every table in the house with them,, but my mother won't let me."

But you don't really care for music, do ya?

i had to turn him off. I live on my own now, and I love it, but god I miss those gals.

Five songs you’ve been listening to a lot recently, from several genres:
- Gavin Bryars, Jesus' blood never failed me. don't know who he is.
- Ojos de Brujo, M-80, flamenco-hip hop from barcelona.And guess where i firts heard them? JB Hi Fi, Ormond.
- James Reyne, Hammerhead, from the new acoustic album. No livvy, yey! Heard this version on fran kelly's show when she introd a story about the Bali Nine. it was suitably melancholy.
- Seascapes of the Interior(from Geelong, recorded in the Otways), 'Symbiont Step’
- Asereje, Las Ketchup. the chorus lyrics are delightful- gibberish - what they reckon English sound like.
- anything being played in a mall

Five people to whom you’re passing the baton (with humble apologies)
May Contain Traces of Nuts - cream of red bell pepper soup
Ben H. - because his Eurovision drinking game kicked ass
Flop-Eared Mule - Cause I reckon she'd have a music collection to burn
Daily Flute - cause I want a t-shirt of the Lleyton Hewitt strip
Boynton - new neighbour, sort of. Just being neighbourly!

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